This is the sweetest story I've ever told! I like to call it: "How I Got Even W/ The Telemarketer".

I work nights and sleep days. Normally I get SO many calls from telemarketers during the day that I have to reach over to my bedside and unplug the phone. Sometimes after I wake up I plug the phone back in, check the caller-ID and find that a dozen damn calls came in while I was sleeping! (AGGGHHH!!! And I'm supposed to be on that damned national "DO NOT CALL LIST!)

Well yesterday I re-arranged my bedroom furniture and I like how it turned out. Only trouble is, my phone can no longer be near my bed, so I have to actually get up and walk several steps to answer the phone- or to unplug it. (Boy, was that a mistake!)

Well, still new to this room arrangement, I laid down this morning and forgot to unplug the phone. Just as I doze off the phone rings. My gruimpy azz gets up to answer it. I walk several steps, check caller-ID and it's a number I don't recognize. Just as I'm getting ready to unplug the phone, there's a knock at my door. I put the phone down, quick slip on a t-shirt and go answer it. It's a neighbor, letting me know I have a low tire on my truck (Thanks, dude!). I close the door- go potty, get a drink of water, pet the cats, peel-off my t-shirt, and return to bed. 30 minutes later the phone rings again! (Dammit- I got side-tracked and forgot to unplug it!) Forget it! Voice mail will pick-up in a few rings. I'm too tired to get out of bed again.

Long story short (it's too late for that, isn't it?) the phone rings a few more times and finally I get up to answer it again... It's the SAME number as before and I am PIZZED!

I answer it. It's "Miss Mary-Alice" from such-and-such and she wonders "if you realize that the warranty on your car has recently expired and wouldn't you enjoy the peace-of-mind of purchasing an extended warranty that will protect your car should something go wrong?" I fight the urge to reach thru the phone and place my hands around her neck! Instead I say- "you're right Mary-Alice, I'd like to buy a million dollars worth of your product, please."

She slowly says- "well that's an awful lot of warranty, sir".

I say "yes- but you've called me 5 times this morning, so your warranty must be real nice- and I'd like a million dollars worth, please."

She says "well sir- our warranties don't cost a million dollars."

I say "Well, then, I'd like to buy one for myself and then several gift-warranties fro all my friends and family... A million dollars worth, please."

There's a period of silence.

Pretty soon she asks "Could I verfiy your telephone number, please? I say "sure" and give her a number different than the one she called and reached me at. She then asks- can you say that again, please? I then give her still another different number.

She puts me on hold.

Soon, she returns and says she'd like to verifiy which product I am interested in. I say "All of them. A million dollars worth, please."

She says she'd like to mail me some info- could she please have my mailing address? I give her my former work address in Alaska.

She asks to verify my telephone number AGAIN. I give her yet a third number.

She asks to verify my mailing address AGAIN. I give her yet ANOTHER DIFFERENT address.

She puts me on hold AGAIN.

Soon "Miss Diana" picks up the line and calls me by MY FIRST NAME (I hate this!) as though we're long-lost buds! She asks to verify which product I'm interested in. What is my phone number. What is my address.

She doesn't appear to like any of my answers.

She says "Sir- we'll mail info about our products- please call us back when you recive it so we can discuss them."

I assure her I will.

Five minutes later I call the number on my caller-ID and when "Mr. Eric" answers I ask for "Miss Mary-Alice". When "Miss Mary-Alice" answers I ask her if I can confirm which address she'll be mailing her info to me at. She recites it and I ask if we can change the zip-code. I then ask to be transferred to "Miss Diana", and do the same with her.

Five minutes later I dial their number again and again ask for "Miss Mary-Alice". This time "Miss Mary-Alice" is busy and cannot make time for me. I ask is "Miss Diana" is available? She is. And she wants to know HOW SHE CAN HELP ME. (I think she's starting to resent being bothered at work).

Now it's after 3:00PM and I presume "Miss Mary-Alice" and "Miss Diana" call 5:00PM quitting time. So sometime soon I will call just to check-in with them again before their day is over.

I also wonder if they work on Thursdays? 'Cause I'm gonna wanna call and see how they are tomorrow too. Afterall, I feel as if we'r'e friends now!

I can't wait to have a million dollars worth of warranty coverage. I'm gonna feel SO friggin' safe and secure!

Whoever said that joy from revenge was an empty, pointless emotion?

You cracked me up with this one Kev!!!!

I don't blame you at all for doing this - heck - I would have done worse!

I am on the do-not-call list - but I still get them.

One thing I would have done different - I would have been much more honest with them. I would have told them that my counselor approves of me buying it because at the home they say its nice to get things - it lifts our spirits. And I would have given the phone number and address of some psycho ward - probably from Hatfield, Illinois (?) - remember the movie Halloween?

And I would have given them my doctors name - Dr. Bates. Norman Bates. Same addy and number - just can't remember the extension.

And I really need it because my psychiatrist said I would be out in 4 to 5 years if the treatments work and I feel much safer knowing I have the coverage.

Then I would ask for them to please call me back - it gets lonely in a cell by yourself. The others that are on my floor go to the game room and they make a lot of noises and it hurts my head so I can't go there anymore.

And I wouldn't hang up until they promised to come and see me - I like to get company - but no one wants to come near me because of the sores that are all over me.

(BTW and off the subject - I posted a recipe for dressing)

That'd get 'em!!!!

I love telemarketers. It's the only opportunity I have to be rude to somebody.

What I really like doing is confirming that I have their name correctly, and the name of the company. I then point out that they are breaking the law.

Typical conversation:

"Excuse me."

"I said, you know you're breaking the law."

"No I'm not."

"Oh, yes you are. I'm on both the national and state level no-call lists. And you will be reported, both corporately and individually, for knowingly breaking the law."

"Click!"

I always like the approach supposedly originated by Sienfield. He'd ask for their home number. They's say, "we're not allowed to give that out." He's say, "oh, but I have to have it." They'd say "why." And he'd say, "so I can call at abouyt 12:30 tonight and continue this conversation. You don't mind disturbing me, I just want to return the favor."

Click!